LIR RESPATI BUMIDAYA
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Sexuality Pt 2.
I'm in so much pain right now - my jaw/tooth is absolute agony and I've spent most of the day trying to sleep through the pain, but because of that I'm now stuck wide awake.
There are a few reasons for this.
Obviously sleeping all day has been a large part of it, but that aside I was also getting ill before I had my little dentist visit. My throat was starting to really ache and it hasn't really developed any further, it's just a horrible ache around my tonsils.
Then there's the pain in my jaw. Jesus, I've never felt anything like it! I suppose a part of it is the fact that I know what he did, I know that he spent half an hour scraping out the pulp in the root of my tooth and that makes me feel sick and even more aware of the pain!!
Then there's the other thing. What happened at the weekend.
It's haunting me. I can't even explain why.
It's complicated, I suppose... but even so, it's like my mind is just completely in conflict with itself. I feel two very different things at once, on top of which I also feel one thing and know another but this knowledge can't override the emotions.
I absolutely cannot accept it and, quite frankly, I don't want to.
But the fact is that regardless of what I had discovered I would still never be okay with it, I would still never accept it and I would still never feel confident in the fact that this was the truth.
I have a lot of trouble believing someone is truly gay. I never used to understand this insecurity; why would you be worried that someone would rather be with someone of the opposite gender when they've quite obviously already decided that they want to be with you? Why would you question it?
The answer? The answer is the source of all my insecurities: People change their minds. Things change. People change.
And you might not even be aware of it until they've waked away.
On top of this, it's always been exactly the same for me even without the complications of sexuality - I've always doubted, questioned, worried.
I can't just enjoy a moment, I can't. I can't accept that someone could want to be with me, I'm just waiting for them to realise that they've made a mistake and walk away from me. Waiting for them to realise that I'm not as amazing as they seem to think I am. And they always do realise.
Sigh. Life is too complicated.
And I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with how I feel about all of this.
There are a few reasons for this.
Obviously sleeping all day has been a large part of it, but that aside I was also getting ill before I had my little dentist visit. My throat was starting to really ache and it hasn't really developed any further, it's just a horrible ache around my tonsils.
Then there's the pain in my jaw. Jesus, I've never felt anything like it! I suppose a part of it is the fact that I know what he did, I know that he spent half an hour scraping out the pulp in the root of my tooth and that makes me feel sick and even more aware of the pain!!
Then there's the other thing. What happened at the weekend.
It's haunting me. I can't even explain why.
It's complicated, I suppose... but even so, it's like my mind is just completely in conflict with itself. I feel two very different things at once, on top of which I also feel one thing and know another but this knowledge can't override the emotions.
I absolutely cannot accept it and, quite frankly, I don't want to.
But the fact is that regardless of what I had discovered I would still never be okay with it, I would still never accept it and I would still never feel confident in the fact that this was the truth.
I have a lot of trouble believing someone is truly gay. I never used to understand this insecurity; why would you be worried that someone would rather be with someone of the opposite gender when they've quite obviously already decided that they want to be with you? Why would you question it?
The answer? The answer is the source of all my insecurities: People change their minds. Things change. People change.
And you might not even be aware of it until they've waked away.
On top of this, it's always been exactly the same for me even without the complications of sexuality - I've always doubted, questioned, worried.
I can't just enjoy a moment, I can't. I can't accept that someone could want to be with me, I'm just waiting for them to realise that they've made a mistake and walk away from me. Waiting for them to realise that I'm not as amazing as they seem to think I am. And they always do realise.
Sigh. Life is too complicated.
And I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with how I feel about all of this.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Gay.
I'm not really sure what I've got to say any more.
Last night was a mess.
Every time I start to think I'm okay with my sexuality something else will happen. Or I'll make it happen. I'm not sure which it is.
I guess I probably do it to myself.
I thought I was doing okay with being gay, but last night it just hit me all over again that it will never be easy. I'm tired of it being such a struggle. I'm tired of hating myself for it and not being able to do anything to change it. It makes me feel sick.
What makes me feel even more nauseous though is the fact that I can be so horribly wrong about someone else's sexuality - I can't do it. I just can't. I don't want to be this person, I just want to be normal...
I know that probably sounds like an insult to anyone else that is gay, but this is how I feel, this is how it makes me feel.
The last time I cried that hard & hit a point that low I tried to kill myself. It was earlier this year and it was for the same reason as this. I couldn't deal with my sexuality and I couldn't deal with hating myself for it.
It was humiliating too. The barmaid came into the toilets to find me on the floor, unable to breathe because I was crying so much. Pathetic.
She had to take me by the hand, pull me up off the floor and lead me off to talk to the owner. We've been going to this bar for two years now and we're fairly good friends with the owner... we sat in his office, I cried, he talked. He's gay too and I asked him how he could be okay with it because I don't think I ever can be... he was helpful and lovely and I don't think I could have made it through last night without him, I really don't. He calmed me down (a bit) and squished me with hugs, but I still got home and wanted to die.
My head is a mess and I hurt so much.
I'm embarrassed that it happened and I'm still hating myself for what set it off to begin with.
I feel like my whole life has collapsed, all over again.
I don't know how to deal with this.
Last night was a mess.
Every time I start to think I'm okay with my sexuality something else will happen. Or I'll make it happen. I'm not sure which it is.
I guess I probably do it to myself.
I thought I was doing okay with being gay, but last night it just hit me all over again that it will never be easy. I'm tired of it being such a struggle. I'm tired of hating myself for it and not being able to do anything to change it. It makes me feel sick.
What makes me feel even more nauseous though is the fact that I can be so horribly wrong about someone else's sexuality - I can't do it. I just can't. I don't want to be this person, I just want to be normal...
I know that probably sounds like an insult to anyone else that is gay, but this is how I feel, this is how it makes me feel.
The last time I cried that hard & hit a point that low I tried to kill myself. It was earlier this year and it was for the same reason as this. I couldn't deal with my sexuality and I couldn't deal with hating myself for it.
It was humiliating too. The barmaid came into the toilets to find me on the floor, unable to breathe because I was crying so much. Pathetic.
She had to take me by the hand, pull me up off the floor and lead me off to talk to the owner. We've been going to this bar for two years now and we're fairly good friends with the owner... we sat in his office, I cried, he talked. He's gay too and I asked him how he could be okay with it because I don't think I ever can be... he was helpful and lovely and I don't think I could have made it through last night without him, I really don't. He calmed me down (a bit) and squished me with hugs, but I still got home and wanted to die.
My head is a mess and I hurt so much.
I'm embarrassed that it happened and I'm still hating myself for what set it off to begin with.
I feel like my whole life has collapsed, all over again.
I don't know how to deal with this.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Self Doubt
I've always been indecisive.
I've always looked at things from every possible angle before acting. I've always considered how various actions or reactions of mine could affect someone, or how they could be interpreted and such. And I've always thought this was a good thing.
It meant that I was prepared and could say that I understand how this action might make someone feel. It meant that I was rarely surprised by an unexpected outcome.
But it also meant that I could not decide how to act or react.
It still means this and it is doing a huge amount of damage to my life. It's especially bad when it comes to relationships - both love interests and friendships. I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities. That can't be right, surely? It's as though every time I try to weigh up my options the pile just collapses in on me... that's the only way I can describe it. There is absolutely no way of pushing through it all, that's it, my brain shuts down.
I'm in a situation now that is having this exact effect on me.
I don't know what to do. And I don't trust anyone else's judgement because they are not in this situation, they don't know the details and they never can. I'm not even sure I know the details because it's such a mess inside my head, I can't remember what happened when how or why. I can't pin point exactly what was said but I do have the vague knowledge of how it has made me feel.
But can I really trust my emotions to relay to me what has actually happened?
No.
Of course I can't.
I'm so utterly confused and I don't believe that anything or anyone can ever fix this mess. I honestly believe that the only solution is suicide and all I'm doing is waiting for the moment to come when I feel prepared to act.
I've always looked at things from every possible angle before acting. I've always considered how various actions or reactions of mine could affect someone, or how they could be interpreted and such. And I've always thought this was a good thing.
It meant that I was prepared and could say that I understand how this action might make someone feel. It meant that I was rarely surprised by an unexpected outcome.
But it also meant that I could not decide how to act or react.
It still means this and it is doing a huge amount of damage to my life. It's especially bad when it comes to relationships - both love interests and friendships. I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities. That can't be right, surely? It's as though every time I try to weigh up my options the pile just collapses in on me... that's the only way I can describe it. There is absolutely no way of pushing through it all, that's it, my brain shuts down.
I'm in a situation now that is having this exact effect on me.
I don't know what to do. And I don't trust anyone else's judgement because they are not in this situation, they don't know the details and they never can. I'm not even sure I know the details because it's such a mess inside my head, I can't remember what happened when how or why. I can't pin point exactly what was said but I do have the vague knowledge of how it has made me feel.
But can I really trust my emotions to relay to me what has actually happened?
No.
Of course I can't.
I'm so utterly confused and I don't believe that anything or anyone can ever fix this mess. I honestly believe that the only solution is suicide and all I'm doing is waiting for the moment to come when I feel prepared to act.
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Benefit Fraud
So I finally had my Job Seekers interview with my adviser... wish I didn't have to do it in a pretty small, almost silent room with lots of other people in it as she was asking about my mental health and things that, while I'm happy to blog about and such, I'm not too comfortable with shouting about in public. I'm not sure why, if I'm honest.
Anyway. She thinks I'm not claiming the right benefit. If you follow me on Twitter you probably saw me deliberating over trying to fight my way through the disability claim or whether I should just go with JSA and hope that they can help me in some way and push me into working, whether I felt ready to or not. I went with JSA.
My adviser thinks I should claim for disability.
But I feel like such a cheat. Yeah I can't leave the house sometimes & I spend days just crying & occasionally have a go at committing suicide & have a break down in public & have panic attacks & flashbacks & sometimes am so brain dead that I can't even form a sentence in order to respond to somebody.
But that's all in my head. Right?
It feels wrong. Really, really wrong.
The nature of depression means that there will definitely be times when I can't be bothered to fight to get better and get into work. Can't be bothered. That's disgusting. When there are people who physically cannot work and here's me, in bed staring into space because something inside me feels like it's just died and I can't move, can't speak, can't do anything at all.
It's all in the mind.
And yet it seems to be physical too. There are times when I can tell I'm not really trying - I will try to get myself to move, to get out of bed, but I choose to ignore myself because I see no point in living. There are other times when I can do this and... I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. But I just seem physically incapable of doing anything other than laying there, curled up into a ball.
The point is, claiming for a 'disability' (although it has stopped me having a life for the past 11 or so years, no GCSEs, no A levels, never finished college all because of this) seems fraudulent.
And I don't want to feel like a fraud.
Anyway. She thinks I'm not claiming the right benefit. If you follow me on Twitter you probably saw me deliberating over trying to fight my way through the disability claim or whether I should just go with JSA and hope that they can help me in some way and push me into working, whether I felt ready to or not. I went with JSA.
My adviser thinks I should claim for disability.
But I feel like such a cheat. Yeah I can't leave the house sometimes & I spend days just crying & occasionally have a go at committing suicide & have a break down in public & have panic attacks & flashbacks & sometimes am so brain dead that I can't even form a sentence in order to respond to somebody.
But that's all in my head. Right?
It feels wrong. Really, really wrong.
The nature of depression means that there will definitely be times when I can't be bothered to fight to get better and get into work. Can't be bothered. That's disgusting. When there are people who physically cannot work and here's me, in bed staring into space because something inside me feels like it's just died and I can't move, can't speak, can't do anything at all.
It's all in the mind.
And yet it seems to be physical too. There are times when I can tell I'm not really trying - I will try to get myself to move, to get out of bed, but I choose to ignore myself because I see no point in living. There are other times when I can do this and... I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. But I just seem physically incapable of doing anything other than laying there, curled up into a ball.
The point is, claiming for a 'disability' (although it has stopped me having a life for the past 11 or so years, no GCSEs, no A levels, never finished college all because of this) seems fraudulent.
And I don't want to feel like a fraud.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Second Blog
I have a new blog here
I may keep this one going, I need this blog for rants and for when life goes very wrong... the other blog is for things that make me happy, for things that inspire me and all the stuff that comes from my (very rare) creative bursts.
So yes.
I may keep this one going, I need this blog for rants and for when life goes very wrong... the other blog is for things that make me happy, for things that inspire me and all the stuff that comes from my (very rare) creative bursts.
So yes.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Terror.
I get these things called Emotional Flashbacks - sometimes I have proper ones, but it's usually more of the emotional variety. I go through phases of having them a lot, though they happen far, far less now than they used to. When I was discharged from psych hospital I sat my first GCSE on the very same day, the others followed closely. Hospital had a horrible effect on me and I took a long time to get used to being back in the 'real world' - I found it so difficult to be in school again, imagining that everyone knew where I'd been, knew that I was 'mental'. I knew they were talking about me anyway, but I didn't know what they actually knew.
Everything felt so surreal and I felt utterly terrified and overwhelmed by the sheer number of people around me, accompanied by the fact that I'd felt I'd achieved nothing in hospital and had been discharged before I was ready... well, it was pretty unbearable. I constantly had things going round my head - things I'd seen and experienced in hospital, things that I don't think I can ever talk about.
So I sat down in the exam hall, tried to concentrate... but I couldn't. I did what I could, but the memories and emotions overwhelmed me and I became trapped in my own head. I struggled to push them away, but I couldn't. It's one of the most terrifying things I've felt - sometimes worse than the panic-attacks - and I have no way to deal with them.
My whole body tenses and I feel like my head's going to explode, people will talk to me but I can't respond. Only one person has ever seen this happen to me (aside from the exam invigilators, one of whom was my fairly long-term ex's mother who took me outside at one point in an attempt to calm me) and it was humiliating. It made me feel like I was completely insane.
I can't explain how you feel in the moment, but the world around you suddenly vanishes and there is nothing but intense pain - more pain than I even felt at the time those memories were being made. Sometimes things appear that I thought I'd forgotten about and the feelings from these flashbacks stick with me for days after.
My friend found me a website about them which has a list of things to do when you're experiencing a flashback, but I can't seem to remember them any more.
Anyway, I had one of these earlier. And the cause is usually fairly obvious... but not this time. I don't understand what brought it on.
I'm still shaken, but trying to ignore it.
Just wish the memories would fade.
Everything felt so surreal and I felt utterly terrified and overwhelmed by the sheer number of people around me, accompanied by the fact that I'd felt I'd achieved nothing in hospital and had been discharged before I was ready... well, it was pretty unbearable. I constantly had things going round my head - things I'd seen and experienced in hospital, things that I don't think I can ever talk about.
So I sat down in the exam hall, tried to concentrate... but I couldn't. I did what I could, but the memories and emotions overwhelmed me and I became trapped in my own head. I struggled to push them away, but I couldn't. It's one of the most terrifying things I've felt - sometimes worse than the panic-attacks - and I have no way to deal with them.
My whole body tenses and I feel like my head's going to explode, people will talk to me but I can't respond. Only one person has ever seen this happen to me (aside from the exam invigilators, one of whom was my fairly long-term ex's mother who took me outside at one point in an attempt to calm me) and it was humiliating. It made me feel like I was completely insane.
I can't explain how you feel in the moment, but the world around you suddenly vanishes and there is nothing but intense pain - more pain than I even felt at the time those memories were being made. Sometimes things appear that I thought I'd forgotten about and the feelings from these flashbacks stick with me for days after.
My friend found me a website about them which has a list of things to do when you're experiencing a flashback, but I can't seem to remember them any more.
Anyway, I had one of these earlier. And the cause is usually fairly obvious... but not this time. I don't understand what brought it on.
I'm still shaken, but trying to ignore it.
Just wish the memories would fade.
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
When will I learn?
I don't think I can even describe how I feel right now. My head is such a complete mess.
I can't separate my emotions or actions or understand how to get out of this situation I've got myself into. I hate it when I start to feel something for another person, sometimes I'm pretty nonchalant about the whole thing but when I come across someone who seems special... it gets bad. I get too attached and I beat myself up over everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I can never be involved with anyone.
I hate myself so much I don't believe that they can be ok with who I am. I'm just waiting for them to realise how wrong they are about me and when it doesn't happen quick enough i force them into it, i push them and push them until they've had enough and leave. i know i do it, but how do i stop it? i can't. so instead i have to do a lot of talking, have to know what they're thinking and feeling. so i could nevr be involved with someone who can't communicate with me like this. but that's no reason to give up, right? all of this is a reason to give up - i should never have got involved in the first place. i truly want to die.
i can't stand myself.
I can't separate my emotions or actions or understand how to get out of this situation I've got myself into. I hate it when I start to feel something for another person, sometimes I'm pretty nonchalant about the whole thing but when I come across someone who seems special... it gets bad. I get too attached and I beat myself up over everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I can never be involved with anyone.
I hate myself so much I don't believe that they can be ok with who I am. I'm just waiting for them to realise how wrong they are about me and when it doesn't happen quick enough i force them into it, i push them and push them until they've had enough and leave. i know i do it, but how do i stop it? i can't. so instead i have to do a lot of talking, have to know what they're thinking and feeling. so i could nevr be involved with someone who can't communicate with me like this. but that's no reason to give up, right? all of this is a reason to give up - i should never have got involved in the first place. i truly want to die.
i can't stand myself.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Buried Alive.
I feel so absolutely trapped right now. I can see where things are heading - I can feel where they're heading but I haven't a clue how to stop it.
I want life to just stop, completely stop. I have felt, albeit briefly, what it is like to be happy... however, that month or two also taught me how the world can suddenly be moved from beneath your feet and you end up falling down a deep, dark hole until you hit the very bottom - precisely where you have spent the previous months and years. I'd experienced this before of course, but never had I fallen so far. I cannot see this as a reason to hope - my experience of contentment was a fluke and I don't believe that it can ever happen again. Nor, frankly, do I want it to. I don't want my world to collapse all over again. And I know it will. Because I know myself.
And so I'm stuck. Living, but not quite.
I could end it all, yes, and how desperately I'd like to, but I have made promises.
Promises that I'm not sure I can keep for many more years.
I want life to just stop, completely stop. I have felt, albeit briefly, what it is like to be happy... however, that month or two also taught me how the world can suddenly be moved from beneath your feet and you end up falling down a deep, dark hole until you hit the very bottom - precisely where you have spent the previous months and years. I'd experienced this before of course, but never had I fallen so far. I cannot see this as a reason to hope - my experience of contentment was a fluke and I don't believe that it can ever happen again. Nor, frankly, do I want it to. I don't want my world to collapse all over again. And I know it will. Because I know myself.
And so I'm stuck. Living, but not quite.
I could end it all, yes, and how desperately I'd like to, but I have made promises.
Promises that I'm not sure I can keep for many more years.
Friday, 27 May 2011
.
There was a time a couple of months when I wanted to end my own life. That time has come again.
I wonder if I will ever be able to describe the absolute agony I feel right now. I don't know what to do. I feel so so alone. And scared.
I wonder if I will ever be able to describe the absolute agony I feel right now. I don't know what to do. I feel so so alone. And scared.
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